My Number One Fear – FAMM

My Number One Fear

It’s 2 am, I’ve been tossing and turning all night, partly because of the heat and the fact Petersburg low doesn’t have a/c and the temperature is in the high 90’s but it feels like 105 in the units, but also because I’m having major anxiety concerning the first step act…I have been on the docket since Jan. 2nd 2019, today’s date is 7-8-19 and my motion had been sitting on the judges desk for over 90 days now pending a decision…I have hope, defendants around the country with situations similar to mine have been receiving relief, so have the defendants in my district which is Richmond, VA…My anxiety comes from the fact that every day my family ask me have a heard anything about my case and i have no answers. My lawyer tells me that the judges in Richmond simply haven’t ruled on any contested motions, but everyday I’m seeing my brothers in the struggle from all over the country go home to their families, and it’s beginning to wear me down a bit… maybe 7 weeks ago i watched a good friend of mine drop dead on the basketball court from a massive heart attack. We was just laughing together, enjoying the day and then he just drops dead right in front of us! It touched me in a lot of different ways because it made me face the question of my own mortality and face the very real fact that i could die in prison!!

That is my number one fear in life. Prison is the worst thing you can do to a person cause hope doesn’t exist in here. Everyday you wake up knowing exactly for the most part what your day is going to consist of, there are no opportunities, your reality is what it is, and to live like this for 12 years and face the possibility of dying in prison without ever seeing your children, your siblings, your parents, without ever experiencing freedom again is a very sobering thought! So my legal situation has been weighing on me, and my lawyer says to be patient, but i don’t have the promise of tomorrow, i just hope i get to see better days. I know this sounds morbid but this is what life looks like from this side of things. So its my sincerest prayer that God keeps me healthy AND the judge rules favorably in my behalf. I know this is a tall order, but its all i have to sustain me, and that’s my FAITH…Faith that GOD is real and Faith that I’ve done enough as far as staying out of trouble and programming to make my judge rule in favor of returning me to not just my family, but to society at large. I have a lot to contribute and i would like to turn this negative into a positive. So hopefully the stars are perfectly aligned for my comeback!! It’s 2am, hard to sleep when your thoughts are this heavy!!

— Thomas M.

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